Obama Journal

Dear Ayman al-Zawahri: Thank you

No really, Number Two, thank you so much for calling me a "house negro" and telling all your Al Qaeda followers that America hasn't changed and I'm no friend of yours. Terrific! You do realize I just won an election where the biggest complaint about me from the other side was that my middle name is Hussein and I'm kinda sorta maybe a wee bit of a terrorist myself, or a terrorist sympathizer, or a socialist or something like that? Just as with your organization's endorsement of John McCain, your latest denunciation of me can only add to my street cred over here and boost my popularity among my countrymen. So really. Keep sending the hate, you racist old kook. It's too kind of you. By the way, I fully intend to catch you and cut your nuts out. Peace.

What is it about white folks and welfare?

Look at these poor sad old bastards. Sitting here, begging for handouts, unable to support themselves, coming up with every excuse in the book about why it's not their fault and the deck has been stacked against them. White people, I'm talking to you now. So listen up. In particular, I'm talking you sad old white deadbeats who run these big car companies and who keep coming back here to Washington begging taxpayers to bail you out after you've been out all night on another one of your reckless benders, bingeing and puking and just being plain old stupid. There you were, being all cocky, gambling away your future on moronic gas-guzzling SUVs, and now here you are, back again, acting all contrite and telling us you've learned your lesson and you'll never do it again. Well, no doubt we'll fall for your act all over again and bail your sorry asses out of trouble. But I'm warning you. White people, it's time for you to shape up.

For the record, I am not the Antichrist

Despite what you might have read in some article in Newsweek about Rapture nuts and what they believe, the truth is that I am not the Antichrist. And yes, I know what you're wondering: Hey, Barack, if you're not the Antichrist, you must be the actual second coming of Christ, right? Friends, you know, on that one I'm just going to decline to comment. But I think it's pretty clear already what the answer is.

Attention: We will be sending people around to collect up all your guns. Nah, I'm just playing with you.

We're not going to take away your guns. That's just rumors people are spreading on the Internet, trying to scare you. Because that's what they do. They scare people. They operate out of fear. And hate. Anyway, the Second Amendment prevents us from taking guns away. What we can do, however, is tax the living hell out of them. And that's exactly what I want to propose. Five thousand dollars for a handgun or .22 caliber rifle, scaling up based on the complexity and power of the weapon. End result is we get fewer guns and we take in tax revenues at a time when we could really use it. Those precious guns mean so much to you? Pay up, crackers.